Mixed blessings. Life is full of them, isn’t it? I believe I recall a sententia about the supreme being–god, goddess, spirits, whatever you might believe in–giving with one hand and taking away with the other? I’m not connected to the net currently (gasp!) or I’d check out the accuracy of that particular gem.
I have light! Woot! Thanks to my dear friend P.*, I now am once again amongst the illuminated and have been since Friday. P. put me in touch with someone at PNM who could do more than toe the company line. The sainted Annie waived the turn on fees, and we’re not worrying about the deposit right now. The remainder of my past due balance is hanging suspended by a thin wire while I go to other charities for help. If I can’t get any other assistance, then they will spread the balance out over so many months–how many I don’t know. The Salvation Army, who administers the PNM Good Neighbor fund (a charity to which I used to regularly contribute, ironically enough) paid part of my bill. Then I had to come up with a payment on my own of at least $50.00, for which I also give thanks to P. (thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!).
So I sit in my wonderfully illuminated bedroom. A little chilly at the present moment, as we have had cool temperatures and high winds…I think it’s about 52° F in my house right now. But I am under the covers and Pennie is keeping my feet warm. I wish we had warmth instead of wind, but, compared to the rest of the country who would envy us our irritating wind, I’ll stick with what we have and be thankful it’s not of tornado intensity.
The bad stuff, in not any particular order, and there’s plenty of it. I guess what’s bothering me the very most at this moment is I’m tired. Tired to the bone. I don’t feel like trying. I wish that I had a beautiful hotel room—the most beautiful I recall staying in was The Fairmont in San Jose, California, when I attended the National Association of Chicano Studies conference way back when I worked for the UNMP. It was huge, gorgeous, and pristine. There would be a lush, soft terry cloth bathrobe just waiting for me when I got out of the bath. And it would be warm. An escape fantasy. Yep, I sure as shit have them. I believe they help people in grim circumstances, if they don’t take over. A balance between retreat and restoration and chipping away at the problems seems to be essential. While at P’s we were going to plan a battle campaign, but I just wasn’t able to focus on that whilst being sick. Don’t get me wrong, I am much better. My fever abated on Friday and while I’m still a bit weak, I’m otherwise okay. I need to increase my emotional and physical stamina.
That brings me to my current physical difficulty. Any men reading this blog will most definitely want to skip this paragraph and go on to the next. If you don’t and are grossed out, I’ll be right there at the end to say I told you so. From about 2005-2008 I had female problems. For some reason never really explained, I stopped having regular periods and just bled out three weeks out of four. I know, one week is bad enough, but three? And we’re not talking light periods. We’re talking heavy stuff. A couple of times it became so bad I couldn’t go to class (I was taking classes at UNM) because I couldn’t make it through a one hour period, armed with all the female protection possible, without having break through bleeding. The docs would give me hormones to settle me down for a while, and I would slowly build up to that point again. I was chronically anemic not to mention broke–if only I had bought stock in the companies that make sanitary napkins. Miracle of all miracles, when I finally got some insurance in 2007 (SCI—thank you Governor Richardson) and was able to see a doctor regularly and he finally recommended an endometrial ablation. I jumped at the opportunity. What would it mean to me? No more standing in line at the grocery store, and suddenly, out of the blue, having to leave my cart standing while I raced off to the bathroom with blood running down my legs. I know, I said it was gross. No more bleeding through my mattress in my sleep. I couldn’t keep up with my laundry because who has enough clothes to endure that type of siege? I felt utterly defeated by my own body. But I realize I am one of the lucky ones. I had a problem that could be fixed. Kind of.
The endometrial ablation is a surgical procedure sometimes done in a doctor’s office. We tried to do it in the doctor’s office, but it didn’t work for me. Basically the doctor sticks an instrument through your cervix (yes, ouch) and freeze dries your endometrial lining. And then, because you have no more endometrial lining, you no longer have periods. Of course, it’s common for a little to be left. So forever after, usually, you have some occasional spotting. And for more than two years, that’s what happened to me. I believe that in the two years following my procedure, I had two periods. I could handle that. But, I’ve had two periods in 2011. And they have not been light. My doctor has talked about sending me to the gynecologist’s office to have a look-see at my uterus. Oh, joyous day! Another foreign object through my cervix. I don’t recall what he said would happen after that. Something about a band (not the rock kind). And who knows what after that. Of course I’ll do it. I myself am really exceptionally grossed out by my body. I feel betrayed, if that makes sense. And I can only imagine what’s going on with me hormonally. I have been so angry over little things I’ve been shaking. I’ve been weepy. And I have little energy to do what I need to do. I know this isn’t going to be forever. But I’m just barely hanging on.
My next significant problem has to do with–surprise–l’argent! As if I didn’t have enough riding on my tiny little paycheck, I now have to take care of something I should have taken care of last fall. This is pretty embarrassing. Remember the speeding ticket I got going to Dixon’s Orchards in the fall? Yeah, well, I pretty much tried to forget about it too. Now it’s haunting me and I have to take care of it. Ninety-one dollars and apparently my license was suspended. I have to go to DMV and pay the ticket and I believe another $25 to activate my license, or unsuspend it whatever the terminology is. And I have to do this by the 19th of May when I have to go in front of a judge about it. Never mind that my current money situation is, if anything, even more pathetic than it was in the fall. Never mind that my check is currently around $150 for two weeks of work. FML!
So that’s what I’m dealing with at the current moment. And not a whole lot of emotional wherewithal to deal with it. Could it be worse? Sure. Absolutely. I don’t know how, but it could.
If you don’t mind, I’ll dispense with being cheery in this post. I could try to find the silver lining or the bright side, but I really don’t feel like trying right now. I know that I have been working hard to set things in motion so that my life will be different, and I will not stop doing that. But today is Sunday. There isn’t a whole lot to do, and even if there were, I’m just not up to it.
It’s a little later. I have abandoned the home front, temporarily, and come to PJ&L’s house. The foothills have snow, and it is 40°. The skies are partly gray, partly that beautiful blue unique to New Mexico. It was 50°F in my house when I left. Thank the gods that Tuesday we will start seeing 70s and 80s again.
Love is strong yet delicate. It can be broken. To truly love is to understand this. To be in love is to respect this. ~ Stephen Packer ~
And because I just can’t help but leave you with a little something, butt implants gone bad…I was tempted to photoshop nipples onto those cheeks *grin*