I’m having a very un-PC day today. That’s rather unusual for me–I’ll blame it on being ill. That’s what I get for reading Facebook posts in the morning. When I get a big dose of bullshit in the morning, it tends to color the day. Religious fanatics scare the shit out of me. And deservedly so. God has been the cause of more death than any other single source aside from natural causes. As George Carlin said, it’s all about “My God has a bigger dick than your God. A friend of mine shared this comedy routine with me via Facebook. Watch if you like, and remember, Carlin is not PC. But damn it! As much respect as I have for others and their differing points of view, sometimes you just have to call bullshit.
I’m staying at my friends’ PJ&L’s house. I became violently ill last yesterday at work. It started the day before. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I was weepy. Not that I don’t have my weepy times, especially when I’m hormonal. But I also get weepy when I’m getting sick. I couldn’t seem to concentrate at work, and then I was worshipping the porcelain goddess, emptying the contents of my stomach as well as bile from the upper intestinal tract. Needless to say, I went home. I slept a bit, alternately shivering and overheated, feverish and a bit frantic, and at 9:00 P* came and scooped me up and took me to their house, where I remain. Food is staying down, the fever has lessened, and I’m snuggled up with Azizi and Biko, alternately napping and reading and writing.
Food is staying down, and I had salsa on my quesadilla this morning. It burned but hey, I’m a New Mexican. My system craves the stuff. There I was eating my quesadilla this morning and I came upon a post that one of my cousins shared. I love my family. I love this cousin very much. Our beliefs systems are wildly opposite. And if she’s reading this, my intent is not to belittle her. But what she wrote upset and frightened me so much, I think it shocked me into this un-PC place. I don’t feel like being PC today. I really don’t. This is what she wrote.
I am not here to judge our President on his religious affiliations, and he did attend church services on Easter, as well as hosting the egg roll and reading a story. I celebrated the Resurrection of my Lord and Savior, who died for my sins… to bridge the gap and make a way to the Father, Almighty God. No mention of the true meaning of Easter was made by our President. I just have to agree that it is very strange that our President acknowledges and celebrates each Muslim holiday while never giving the same attention to Christian holidays. The National Day of Prayer has never had mention since he took office and the White House no longer participates in it. Our country was founded on Christian beliefs and values, and our Constitution was written by God-fearing men that believed the Bible to be the basis for the law of the land and that all our individual rights came from our Creator, the one and only Almighty God. Anyone who strays from this is principle, is going down the wrong path and needs to be called on it.
Big sigh. Sade has begun her concert tour and I will not see her. It breaks my heart, it truly does. It was on my bucket list, but it is not to be. She doesn’t tour often. That’s an understatement.
Last night I had this revelation. No, not religious. Every day at the gym where I work, we are supposed to update the Facebook page. I know there must be so much information about the 400 children and their families who take classes and are on the competitive teams, but I am not plugged in enough to know yet. So L*, who trained me, told me that I should check the USAG website and fitness sites and also this site that lists odd holidays. So about a week and half ago I was out of ideas and went to the bizarre holiday website. That day was “Weed Appreciation Day.” Okay. I thought it was hysterical because all my brain could come up with were yard invaders. Then last night we were talking about weed and it suddenly hit me that it was WEED Appreciation Day, not Weed Appreciation Day. Fanatical laughter ensued. Now I understand why my probation officer, when he was doing my intake, couldn’t keep a straight face when he had to ask me in I had any affiliation. I said, “What kind of affiliation? I’m a member of the Albuquerque Mediation Association and The Association for Conflict Resolution and I’m a member of NAMI.” He indicated, when he finally stopped choking with laughter, that he was referring to gang affiliations. Oh. Hahahahaha. Fuck me for a fool. : )
I wanted so badly these past several days to call Trey*, and then, I thought, to what end? First of all, he would simply ignore me, so why waste my breath? Why give my energy to someone who won’t reciprocate? Indeed, why give the gift of what I am and who I am, or attempt to give it, to someone who will not reciprocate? No. Absolutely not. Been there, done that, done with that.
For quite some time he was my comfort. He made everything better, everything seem salvageable–he was my hope. And at times, I still hope that perhaps when we find our ways separately, there will come a time when we find our way back to each other. Yep. Hopeless romantic, that’s me. My friend Gris always told me that someone would come along who would make me say, “Thomas who?” Why is it so hard to find someone who wants to give you what you want? I don’t mean in monetary terms. It’s my responsibility to make my way in the world. I’m not doing very well at it at the moment, but I’m working on it.
No, what I mean is someone who gives. We are all who we are and hopefully when we fall in love, we fall in love because the object of our affections has so much of what we like, it’s impossible not to become enchanted. And hopefully who that person is remains consistent over time. That person’s basic values don’t change. Their way of being in the world doesn’t change. The ability to keep an open heart doesn’t change.
I ask the marvelous Dr. M. about her relationship all the time. I asked her lately about disappointments, specifically, if her husband disappoints her. She said, “Of course, all the time.” I asked her how she dealt with those disappointments. She told me that she allows herself to feel and be with that disappointment. She gives herself time before saying or doing anything. But she always communicates her disappointment, because holding it in causes resentment and resentment is the killer in a relationship. I asked her if she ever felt so upset she closed her heart. Her answer fascinates me. She said that she promised herself when she got married she would never allow anyone to do that to her, there would never be a person who would take that from her. And I will never allow that to happen to me. The way I love myself best is when I am loving and giving, no matter who to whom I am giving.
“It’s brutally unfair to toy with the heart of this girl, because she will love, honor, obey and nag you a little with sincere devotion. Why encourage such rare love unless you mean to reciprocate with equal ardor? Remember her tenacity. You may only be flirting lightly, but you’ll have a hard time calling the end of the inning. She won’t hear the whistle. There’s nothing shallow or superficial about the sentiments of this woman. When she owns a man or a teacup, it’s hers forever.”
Linda Goodman, Love Signs but I could be the poster child for Cancerian astrological beliefs. I tell myself that someday I’ll have what I want. And I will be the person that someone wants, just as I am. I hope that’s true. There are lots of people who are alone out there. It may be what I need and want right now. But surely there’s one man on the planet that can not only put up with me, but who wants to put up with me and vice versa.
Meanwhile, the sensual Mr. Biko loves wet hair and rubbed against mine last night after I got out of J’s gargantuan bath tub. This morning it was still a bit damp, and he rolled in it again. He, Azizi, and I napped together and I indulged in something I don’t usually allow myself because it’s too painful–memories and fantasies. Trey was so comfortable to me in every way–emotionally and physically and intellectually. We largely have the same belief system. But we didn’t have the same physical approach. I’m a complete and total sensualist, like Mr. Biko. Touch is so important to me, in any kind of relationship. In a physical relationship, I’m a greedy little bugger. I want be attendant to every nuance and possibility…every nook and cranny and sensitive spot. Trey? He seemed to be focused on the spots that get one from A to Z. Perhaps we would have met in the middle at some point in time. Undoubtedly, we’d have had a good time getting there. Not enough time. But then, there is never enough time. I’ll put those thoughts back in my little jar of hopes, and feed them occasionally, and hope for the best, whatever that may be.
1.) My children, always.
2.) PJ&L, thank you for everything.
3.) Trey, may you be happy and fulfilled.
4.) Furry children, Pennie and Lady, Azizi and Biko, my boyfriend.
5.) Love in all its forms.
6.) Flies by David Padilla.