I’ve lost my blogging mojo. Of late my posts irrevocably suck. No, don’t try to spare my feelings, I know they do. And just as assuredly, I know that I will get my mojo back. I’ve been writing my entire life. I wrote for the school newspaper in junior high and high school. My style was decidedly dramatic. I refused to write a gossip column that said who was dating, who had broken up, or who went to whom’s birthday party. I introduced people to their classmates–because I was sure that no one knew that Jim wanted to be a hanglider, or that Karen lived with both sets of grandparents in a huge old farmhouse, or that Keith invented a butter-flavored chapstick.
I wonder if writing comes so naturally to me because I’ve always read so much? That would make sense, wouldn’t it? I’ve been absorbing words and writing styles for a very long time. I’m not sure that I have a style. I just write what I have in my head and in my heart. Sometimes I’m dramatic and sometimes I’m not, so I suppose I’m uneven, variable. I’m thinking about this because there’s a writer’s group I’m considering attending. I don’t know that it will work for me, but I’m willing to give it a shot. This is part of my therapist’s directive to socialize more. I think the painting and drawing group will suit me much better, though. It’s a fiction writing group, and the leader gives writing assignments. I will go once to check it out.
I believe that when I began writing this blog several days ago, my mojo had returned. I’m not sure where it is at this moment. I’m simply going to write and discover if I have it or not. I’m writing from PJ&L’s house. I’m staying the night with them. As much as I don’t want to lay it out there in front of goddess and everyone, I believe I must. If someone comes upon my blogs sometime, if they are to resonate, I feel I can’t hide things. My modus operandi has always been not to talk about troubles that no one can do anything about, but I can’t be the person I need to and do that. So here goes.
I’m staying at PJ&L’s because I really didn’t want to be alone. I’m not decompensating (at least I don’t think I am). I simply didn’t want to be alone in my house. My tiny little paycheck isn’t cutting it as child support is being garnished from my wages. Out of my last check CSED received $130.80 and I received $108.00. My house is without electricity or gas and while I’ve been staying there, I needed a break. I need a break from washing with cold cold water in the dark. I need a break from not being able to cook. I need a break from the grimness of it all.
I have been ferreting out every assistance agency I can and nothing as of yet. I have plenty of candles, but I’m a modern girl. I like warm water when I shower. Such is my life at the moment. It sucks, but there you go. Not everything sucks, but this does. My attorney’s brain seems to be missing in action.
I’m just taking the path of least resistance and doing what is possible to be done. I’m trying not to stress. I’m trying to add little bits and pieces of brilliance where possible so it’s not all grim. And, it’s Albuquerque. It’s been a bit chilly of late, but we will soon again have highs in the 70s and 80s. I’m not really a fan of “it could be worse.” But it could be worse. Worse would be not to have water. I’m really not a pioneer type, or a camping type, so camping out in my home isn’t the best scenario. But…what’s a girl going to do?
The bright pieces are being with my children, loving my dogs, enjoying my little job, getting to use the gym to stretch and lift weights and jump on the trampoline. These all help with my stress level. The gas has been off since March 15, and the electricity since Monday. My skin is taking a beating with MRSA (stress) and so I’m just trying to be cool. I can only do what I can do. This too shall pass.
I will get my mojo back. I will get my blogging mojo back. And eventually, I’ll get my groove back. Thank you, Stella! I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing to get all three back. And I will get my kids back. That goes without saying. And then watch out world! I will be unstoppable. These aren’t encouragements to bolster my spirit. It will be. Count on it.
I really don’t need my groove back right now, but I’m going to enjoy the journey there. I was never an exercise nut. I remember being in Las Cruces at a conference with a colleague and she suggested we go out for a walk. We went for maybe a half mile walk and she asked me, “Now don’t you feel virtuous?” She had 30 years on me so I politely said, “Yes.” But inside my head I was thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding.” Every little bit helps, though. I became a gym bunny after separating from my children’s father. But when my all women’s gym closed down, I couldn’t find anything to replace the experience there. At that gym, I found out that I loved to exercise, and that it was one of the things that helped me quiet my head.
So I’ve been doing strengthening exercises for my knees, as I have much trouble with them. I really can’t start any kind of program without making sure that they are stabilized. I’ve been lifting weights (arms and shoulders). I’ve been stretching every muscle possible. And I’ve been jumping on the trampoline–something I haven’t done in 25 years. It feels good and it not only helps my body, it helps my head.
That’s where I am today. I would appreciate your prayers and well wishes. Please don’t worry about me, my head is in an okay place, all things considered.