My really wonderful relationship with a really great guy has turned really awful. Some how or another, it’s become one-sided, and rather than sitting here pondering if it was something I did, something wrong with me, I’m trying to turn my thoughts towards “it’s something about him.” I’ve heard the break-up advice , “It has more to do with the other person that it does with you.” I never really got that, but I’m leaning towards it now. But how can you turn, “He’s not interested in you any longer” into “It has to do with him?”
This is the third time I’ve been moved this month to break up with him, so I guess that means it’s a “fail.” I’m not a failure, he’s not a failure, but our relationship certainly is, so it’s time to let go. I will break up with dignity this time. I haven’t been especially dignified today, so far. So It’s time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and suck it up and play nice and merely say, “This isn’t working for me, and I don’t see that things will change anytime soon, our contact, or rather lack thereof is hurting me. What’s best for me is to say goodbye.”
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? F
Last week Constance* gave me this advice, “Guys don’t like to get hurt, but they don’t like to hurt people either, so they just push women away by being aloof or irresponsible in order to force the decisions on to the women to set the boundaries or cut the strings.” I got a text from him this morning that said, “I sometimes feel like I dont deserve ur love!!” Yep. Straight up from the movie He’s Just Not that Into You.
Obviously I’ve been moved to seek advice from the internet. I was trying for humor, but break-up humor is so caustic. So I’ll just stick with dignified. I’ll miss the good times we had, and there were many. For the first four months it was like a fantasy. And then it wasn’t anymore. What else, really, is there to say? I could emote, but I’ve been emoting all month. I’ve been hurting all month. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to write about it. But I will say that I found a most interesting post from another blogger with some of the best advice I’ve ever read or heard. And I’ll share it with you and thereby spread the word.
Raise your hand and repeat after me…
I, (state your name), do, hereby, solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy Ex. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. Therefore, I vow the following:
* I will not call him. No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I’ll have a friend do that, preferably via email.
* I will not email him. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all.
* I will not frequent the places I know he goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.
* I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he’ll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house, etc.
* I will screen all of my calls. I will get caller ID, if necessary, and put “private call block” on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it’s not him. All other calls will go to voicemail.
* I will not take his phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his calls.
* I will not return his phone calls or emails. If he is “just checking” to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he’s a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with, “I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together.”
* I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.
* I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple’s therapy.
* I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.
* I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty (30) days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.
This I do affirm. So help me.
No contact is like putting a cast on your broken leg (read: broken heart, broken relationship). The cast is awkward and uncomfortable, and at times you want to rip the damn thing off, but ultimately it’s the best, safest, and most stabilizing way to let yourself heal. The cast (no contact) stays on until you are healed and truly ready to move on to something new.
Otherwise, continuing contact is like walking around on that broken leg. It hurts like hell, and it’ll never heal properly.
1.) My children, always.
2.) Trey*, for all our good times, and even the bad times.
3.) My friends. You will reap the benefits as I cook my way out of this funk.
4.) My dogs, because they love me no matter what and give me so much comfort.