Knock knock! Hit the Floor!

I have to get over my fear of people knocking on my door.  It seriously creeps me out to have people knock when I’m not expecting anyone. Trey* witnessed this when he was here. This time, I believe it was the crazy cat lady from down the street. Why she can’t call me (she has my number) or leave me a note, I don’t know. I know from where this fear comes. It comes from having people at my door I don’t want to have at my door. It comes from being afraid at some very basic level of people either being bad tidings or bringing bad tidings. I think I need to be more social and increase the mix so that I have people coming who I actually do want to see, rather than just having people coming who I don’t want to see.  It’s not necessarily that I don’t want to see the crazy cat lady–I’m not opposed to seeing her. There was a time when I didn’t want to open the door to her. She can be so…unpleasant. She often starts off a question by saying, “I hope you don’t mind me asking,” and then proceeds to ask a thoroughly personal question. She’s a little off, socially. And at times when I have been isolating, I didn’t answer when she knocked. Today, however, was a matter of not knowing who was at the door and being terrified. I felt hunted, and so I cowered in the house, not unlike prey makes itself as small and still as can be as it hides from a rapacious predator. I’m a little off today, I’d say.

There’s some information you need about me to understand what I’m about to tell you. I blew up my life in 2008. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ve never said how, I don’t believe. That would be because it’s not the kind of thing you would expect from a well-brought-up middle class woman like me. It’s hard to admit, and I’ve already shed tears today trying to decide whether or not to include this very personal information. It will change how you see me. But I will take my hero Julie Power’s approach and be open. My goal is to be a decent person. To be someone my children can be proud of. When my children and I were at my parents’ home at Christmas 2007, I was broke. I had just begun taking medication again for my conditions, coming from a suicidal state for the first time in my life earlier in the fall. I was in really bad shape. I’m not saying any of this to excuse what I did. There’s no excuse. I only give you background to be understood. I felt I needed to get my children home to spend Christmas the way they were accustomed to spending Christmas because there had been so much upheaval in our lives. I had no money to do so or to purchase presents. What did I do? I used my mother’s credit card. She didn’t know I had done so, my plan was to somehow repay it before she noticed. Which was totally unrealistic. How could I possibly have done that? I was working little. She filed a report with the sheriff. I was arrested. I went to court and was given a deferred judgment. I am still paying restitution. More about all that later. But to understand what I want to write about today, you need the information that I was arrested, extradited to my home state, and given a deferred judgment and two years of probation. I promise I’ll give you all the grisly details about that ordeal later. Not just my ordeal, but my parents’. I hurt them terribly. My mother and I have a strong relationship today, but I’ve split from pretty much everyone else in my nuclear family of origin. I talk to my father about superficial things. I don’t talk to my sister or my brother. More on all that later too. Talk about drama. But on to today’s topic. It’s not what I intended to write about when I sat down, but it’s what is coming up for me.

Have you ever been with someone over whom later you’ve had a V-8 moment? By that, I don’t mean going on a date when you would rather have had a V-8, though now that I think about it, it’s not a bad substitution. What I mean is a smacking-yourself-in-the-head, what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking? dating scenario. I have. I’ve mentioned him before. And used his actual name. I’m referring to Darren. Unless you’ve had a Darren in your life, you have no idea what having a Darren in your life is like. I’ve dated some crazy-ass men in my life, more so in the years since my divorce from MCF than before. I’m sure many factors go into this phenomenon. After MCF and I split up, I no longer had insurance, I couldn’t afford it. Therefore, I couldn’t afford therapy or medication either. Scary. I spiraled down. That’s when my life started falling apart. Or maybe it started spiraling down when I was married to MCF. On to Darren.

Things were nearly at their worst when I met Darren and probably because I got involved with him, the bottom fell out. I met him in February of 2007. He is the kind of man with whom you want to make sure your daughter never comes in contact. He’s the kind of man with whom you never want to come in contact. I”m not exaggerating and I’m completely serious. I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist so I can’t come up with a diagnosis for him. Maybe the best way to go about this would be to go review the warning signs of an abusive personality. This is going to be a long post. If you want to skip the text, please, please watch the video. You may not need it for yourself, but you may know someone who is being abused. The video was created by Mandy Kloppers, psychiatrist, who also created the text-tonic site which offers counselling via text and skype.

1.)  Jealousy – At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you’ll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Darren was insanely jealous. I couldn’t chat with anyone without him getting really upset, unless it was a female. I’m a natural-born flirt. I flirt with men, women, and especially children. Hell, I even flirt with dogs and cats. And it didn’t mean anything. It meant that somehow I’d sparked an innocent connection with someone, and it could be over something as simple as a common love of a particular book. It wasn’t even flirting, it was me just being who I am, bubbly and engaged. I became anxious and started second-guessing myself about what I should and could say to people in person or in chat. We both frequented a chat room. He asked people to report on my behavior in chat. He would confront me with screen shots of conversations I’d had with people. He would pretend to be someone else and test me to see if I would flirt.

I had a feminine surgical procedure and I was to abstain from sex for two weeks. I would come home from work (I never did anything but go to work and come home) and he accused me of smelling like sex.

2.) Controlling Behavior – Controlling behavior is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are ‘late’ coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behavior gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalize you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal – trying to control their every move is not.

Darren cyber-stalked me for almost a year. Things got so bad, I didn’t know what was happening, it was never him, but it was always him. He concocted this whole other personality who was supposedly responsible for hacking my e-mail and whose voice was “freakishly similar” to his own.

3. Quick Involvement – Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim ‘love at first sight’, that you are ‘made for each other’, or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached ‘that stage’. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

I don’t remember the first time Darren told me he loved me, but I do remember it was incredibly soon and it didn’t feel right at all. I felt so much pressure from him for such a long time. I never wanted him to live with me. If I hadn’t bound and gagged my inner red flag girl, I’d have known from the start just how scary he was. And not too long after that, when he knew that I was talking to someone else, he told me that he had cancer and that he didn’t have long to live and that he wanted to spend time with me before he died. Four years later, and imagine, he’s still alive. I didn’t want to live with him, but he wore me down.

4. Unrealistic Expectations – The abuser may expect you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfill all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: ‘lf you love me, I’m all you need.’, ‘You are all I need.’ are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Looking back on it, I think that Darren expected me to provide for him. When he was living with me, he didn’t understand why he didn’t get to have a say in how I spent my money. I told him when he got a job, he could make decisions about how money was spent. I never agreed to have a relationship in which I provided for him and he stayed at home. I never agreed to a relationship in which we shared finances.

5. Isolation – The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places ‘together’. He/she may accuse you of being ‘tied to your mother’s apron strings’, not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as ‘causing trouble’ or ‘trying to put a wedge’ between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Darren not only didn’t want me to have friends, he thought I loved my children too much. He wanted all of my love, including what I had for my children.

6. Blame-Shifting For Problems – Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can’t hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else’s fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

He was never responsible for a problem. He didn’t work while he lived with me, nearly a year. He said he looked for jobs, but what he meant was simply looking online. I don’t believe he ever actually applied for a job. He had severe problems that were always someone else’s fault.

7. Blame-Shifting For Feelings – The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behavior or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that ‘you make me mad’, ‘you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask’, or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. ‘I would not be angry if you didn’t …’ Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as ‘You make me happy’ or ‘You make me feel good about myself’ are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

How Darren felt was my responsibility. If he wasn’t feeling right, it was because of something I was doing or not doing.

8.)  Hypersensitivity – Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are ‘hurt’ when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

9.) Cruelty To Animals – The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched.

Darren was living in my house while 1) I was in Denver working (weekdays for four weeks); 2) I was in jail in Albuquerque awaiting extradition (about 10 weeks); 3) when I was extradited to my home state and in jail waiting for my hearing (about two weeks); and while I was waiting to go to court and have my probation transferred to New Mexico (about four weeks). When I returned home, my neighbor said that he never saw my dog Pennie during that entire time. I don’t know what happened, but Pennie has been afraid of men ever since.

10.) Cruelty To Children – The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as ‘small adults’ and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for ‘naughtiness’ the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

11.) ‘Playful’ Use Of Force In Sex – He/she may pressure you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of “rape” excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go ‘all the way’ can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

I remember making an emergency call to my therapist because Darren was pressuring me to have sex, and I didn’t want to.  When I finally told Darren he had to leave, I gave him a generous two months to get a job and get the hell out. I told him we no longer had a relationship. During those two months he pressured me to have sex. He would come into the bathroom when I was in the shower. I shudder when I remember it.

12.) Rigid Gender Roles – Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things – even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being ‘not a real man’ if he shows any weakness or emotion.

13.) Verbal Abuse – In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are ‘stupid’, could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to ‘sort this out once and for all’ or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

People don’t usually use vulgar words when referencing me. I was called a “fucking cunt” for the first time in my life. Darren once woke me up screaming in my ear. He was always talking behind my back. He betrayed my trust over and over.

14.) Dr. Jeckyll And Mr. Hyde – Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe “sudden” changes in mood – one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special “mental problem” but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

My friend Kathleen thought he was very dear. He was helpful to my children, downloading games for them and such. When I think about it now, I get sick that he ever met my children.

15.) Drink Or Substance Abuse – While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence.

16.) History Of Battering Or Sexual Violence – Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that “she made me do it by …” or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won’t happen with you because “you love them enough to prevent it” or “you won’t be stupid enough to wind me up that much”. Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.

I didn’t put it together until after, but he had been in the same situation before with a woman. It was her fault and she kicked him out and he had to live in a shelter. The police were involved on a number of occasions.

17.) Negative Attitude Toward Women – Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don’t deserve their respect.

18.) Threatening Violence – This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as “If you speak to him/her again, I’ll kill you”, or “If any wife of mine acted like John’s did, I’d give her a right seeing to”. Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behavior by saying “everybody talks like that.”, maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you’re “over-sensitive” for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as “If you leave me, I will kill myself”, or “You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn’t live without you”.

Darren was constantly threatening suicide. I can’t express how terrible that was, to feel I had some responsibility over whether he chose to live or to die. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.

19.) Breaking Or Striking Objects – The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don’t need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalizing you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

In an argument during which I called the police to my house, Darren threw my new Powerbook G4 with a 17 inch monitor on the floor, purposely. Later he said he dropped it and it was an accident. I was there. I saw it. He had it in his hands and he simply let go and let it fall.  In another argument he threw things at me. During another argument I wanted to leave the house. He took my keys from me and hid them. Another call to the police.

20.) Any Force During An Argument – An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout ‘right in your face’. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.

I guess I can consider myself lucky. After he was gone, he met a woman and began living with her. I know he was jailed once for beating her.

The whole Darren trip was a nightmare. I know that word is overused and describing something that way is a cliché. I wish I had the words to express it. He was a terrorist. What I’ve mentioned above is only part of his terror campaign. And I’m writing about this once and then never again because as my therapist says, I re-traumatize myself every time I bring it up.

Darren was a master manipulator. It seemed he never slept, that he was always awake and plotting. He “had people” hack my e-mail and yahoo messenger accounts so he could access my e-mail. He pretended to be someone else and even made phone calls as this other person. One of the phone calls he made was to MCF. He told MCF all kinds of unsavory things about me. He had other people call me saying, “Darren is dying.” I think he learned quite well how to fall to the floor as if he had fainted or blacked-out. He had me so agitated all the time I couldn’t distance myself. I was terrified of what he might do. And this was all before he came to live with me. He tracked my text messages and phone calls. He called people that I called to see who I was calling and then he would try to have conversations about me. I lost acquaintances because of him. During the four months I was gone he could have helped me so much if he loved me. But instead, I came back to a mess. He was a mess. He smoked, he didn’t take care of his teeth, he barely bathed, and he smelled bad. Apparently I was supposed to come back and take care of him.

I don’t know how we managed to live together the rest of the summer. I returned June 16, 2008. By the Keebler Elves, it was tough. We really weren’t getting along. My therapist suggested later that my self-esteem was so low when I returned from that ordeal that I couldn’t see that I deserved any better than to live with a madman. Apparently from the way I talked about him to my probation officer, she picked up on the tension and the fear. I remember her questioning me about it. He NEVER left my house unless it was with me. I NEVER had any time to myself. On September 1st, all hell broke loose. Pennie got into the spare bedroom where he kept his things. and knocked some of them off the bed. I found that he had photocopied my passport, my birth certificate, my driver’s license, and had printed out some documents from my computer. My probation officer, though we locked horns again and again, was the one who helped me. She told me she would be my backbone. After I discovered what he had done, I told him that he had until the 1st of November to find a job and get the hell out. She didn’t want me to give him that much time. It was truly unbearable. He went into this strange place where all he did was watch movies and build houses out of popsicle sticks and cardboard and twine. He didn’t look for a job. He just sat there in his own stink and made structures. And came into the bathroom when I was showering. And stood at the doorway to my room–silent or harassing me. I didn’t want to talk to him. Did I love him. Did I care about him. I withdrew from him and he became more aggressive. He plotted what he would steal when he left. The end of his time at my house came and he wouldn’t leave. I got a restraining order that was also an eviction notice. I was going to have him served and he left. The police found him a few blocks away and served him. He had stolen my wireless router, my brand new cell phone, the hard drive from my computer, my drill, my suitcase, many cds, and countless other things.

And then he took his revenge. He went to a shelter when he left here, and I’m sure he blamed me. Apparently all of his things were stolen and he had the gall to complain. Before he left, he planted beer and liquor in my house in hopes that my probation officer would see it and violate me. But what he did then. Oh my god. I had changed most of my passwords, but I forgot an old e-mail account I didn’t use anymore and eBay. It never occurred to me to change it. This is what he did. He charged a bunch of stuff on eBay with his debit card. And then he called the police and my probation officer and reported me for having committed fraud. I still remember that afternoon. He called me from a restricted number. I answered before I connected it was him, he wished me a Merry Christmas and asked if I missed him (thereby violating the restraining order). Ten minutes later I received a call from a police officer. He said that purchases were made on my eBay account which was connected to my e-mail account and that I had committed fraud by using Darren’s debit card. I was furious! I was so furious I didn’t care who I was talking to! I asked him did he know that I had a restraining order against Darren and that there was no way in hell I would use his debit card. Did he know that Darren had robbed me blind when he left. I told him that Darren was a manipulative bastard and did he know Darren had called me just ten minutes before. That jolted the officer. Then I got a call from my probation officer telling me to come to her office right away. She said that she could put me in jail for this, but she knew what I was up against in Darren and she chose to believe in me. I then had to file a counter report saying that Darren had committed fraud (unlawfully using my eBay account and e-mail account) and aggravated harassment.  These are the text messages he sent me, “I know what u did with my credit card and to do that to a homeless person who has cancer is wrong. And I made a police report,”; “If u had asked for the money I would’ve given it to u. As my last gift to u,”; “A man who is dying of cancer and would give his last breath to make u happy,”; “I’m not sorry we were together. But I am that I didn’t do better for u,”; “Im hurting and Im scared.” I found Darren’s MySpace page talking about how in the dead of night while he slept I took his account information down. The title of that post was “merry christmas and watch your back.” It is a twisted manipulative tale mixing truth with lies–ugly stuff:

“So far its been an interesting year, one would call it Amazing, to say the least.

in the time ive spent in Albuquerque, the so-called ‘lady’, by the name of T*, aka A*, that i was living with turned out to be nothing more than a thief a cheat and a liar….who knew..well apart from the people that were telling me i should run for my life that is.

And to begin all of this lovely year i was having, this ‘lady’ and i use the term loosely, was caught and arrested, tossed into jail, got out on probation and will sometime very soon end up back there for credit card fraud.

And then she had the audacity to call me and beg me not to leave her, to which the sucker that i am (but not any more you true ladies and gentlemen) i agreed, little did it do me any good, for as soon as the AMAZING T/A returned, i was then ousted and made homeless all because she wanted someone else (to which i knew, and she did her best to tell me that it wasnt true…oh look…flying pigs…ya right)

so then i was made homeless, and that’s not the best of it…theres more…

This thing that calls itself a lady..well i cant…decided to use a number she had written down one fine night as a lay dormant…(read as, the numbers of my credit card) and took what little money i had on it, mistake she made was that she used it to pay for an online transaction via paypal…..oops….yes she is blonde too. (not that all blondes are dumb, but this one sure as hell is)

so this is strike three for our blonde haired .. um. day?, idiot? liar cheat thief. and that means one thing and one thing only (well a few actually, does dont mess with an englishman count?..oh well.), yes you merry people out there, it means she has to serve the full sentence of the law that she got away without serving in the first place…. ca we say busted?

so for those of you out there in e-world and those of you who get this second hand, crime doesn’t pay, and an englishman always gets his.. um. revenge. (thought iwas gonna say something else didnt ya?)

so once again we come to the close of a happy (well for some of you anyways) year, and i’d like to wish all a very merry christmas and a happy new year, and a word of advice, if youre gonna do it, dont get caught, but as always time will tell.”

He violated the restraining order 34 times. He broke into my house and stole my car keys. I had to have the locks on my car re-keyed at $540.00. He stole my address book with the names and addresses of everyone right down to my kindergarten friends. He would break into my house and leave things on my desk so that I would know he’d been there and that he could get into my house at any time, just to frighten me. He would come to my house banging on doors and windows even though he was violating the order of protection. He called and texted. He posted pictures of me he had taken when we were intimate on the web. He gave my pictures to people I didn’t know. He didn’t go to the court hearings for the restraining order. I had to reapply for a temporary order of protection. He was finally arrested for violating the temporary order and spent two months in jail. The judge then awarded me a twelve-year restraining order. The average length of a restraining order in the state of New Mexico is two years.

I’m no longer haunted by the thought that he might enter my home at any time he pleases. I have seen him once or twice. I have to admit I hoped the bus he’d just gotten off of would back up and squash him flat as a pancake. I’d hoped he would be deported back to England, but they probably don’t want the viper back home either.

I allow my inner red flag girl full liberties these days. But I haven’t gotten over my fear of answering the door.


1.) For my children, always, and please forgive me for all that I’ve put you through.

2.) For Trey, because he’s emotionally intelligent, strong, and has so much integrity he shines.

3.) For Jennifer, my first probation officer, I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you.

4.) For Resources Inc., for all their support and assistance, and for their support groups.

5.) For Pennie and Lady, you’ve gone through a lot too, and you still love me.


Special thanks for the warning signs of an abusive personality to

Peace, T.


About ZephyrLiving

Join me on my journey, if you like. A return to mental health. When I started with my first blog in 2011, I was three years in. Now it's 2015, and I am so much better. I though I had nothing less to lose. I was so very wrong. So arrogant--or deluded! OCD, Compulsive Hoarding Syndrome, Chronic Depression, PTSD and Histrionic Personality Disorder. A big list, a big task. I've come a long way and still have far to go. But I've built my foundation and I'm working at it every single day! Join me for some laughs, some inspiration, some hope, and support. Peace.
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4 Responses to Knock knock! Hit the Floor!

  1. Jennifer says:

    I am so proud of you; I always knew you could do it! When I told you that I would be your backbone, I knew that you had the courage and just needed the support and encouragement. You are an intelligent woman that temporarily veered from the right path in life. With your new-found strength and courage, you will lead a good, honest and happy life. I thank you for acknowledging my help in your life, but remember it was YOU all along. I hope that you continue to see what an amazing person you are.

    Your former Probation/Parole Officer

  2. loopyloo305 says:

    Your light is shining brightly!!!!

  3. This site is awesome..I really recommend it…

    Umm…Bound & Gagged Stolen Password –

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