Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I’ve been through it these past coupla days. I would never wish the psychological and physical turmoil I experienced on my worst enemy. Okay, that’s probably not true. Okay, I admit, it’s an appalling and shameless lie. I’ve wished much worse on MCF (my children’s father).
In fact, I have a list going for him of possible demises and I’ve even had help building it. It started out as spontaneous combustion or a random bolt of lightening. It’s grown to include death by inexplicable urban cattle stampede, selective tsunami, senseless grilling accident, alien abduction, dismemberment by a pack of wild tamarins, being sucked up and spit out by a dust devil, getting turned into a pillar of ash by glaring, and poisoning by nudibranch. Yes, I know I’m sick. Your point?
I don’t know what happened. I got upset the other morning, I mean really upset. And it was as though my mood thermostat got stuck on hyper-angry/hurt. I couldn’t come down from that place. I couldn’t even try. It lasted well into the night and the next day. I fell asleep for a while on the afternoon of the second and woke up “normal” again. I even tortured Trey* who has been nothing but loving to me (even though he was fighting his own demons that day). I lost myself. And the worst part is that I was afraid, so very afraid, that I’d never find myself again.
The day actually started out alright. I was up at 6:00 a.m. listening to the news on NPR. I had reviewed and proofread my post for that day. And then I checked out the happenings on facebook. And click. An unhappy turn of events with a former friend and whamo! Down for the count! I tried to turn it around with…guess! You got it–food! I made a torta cubana with smoked pork loin, muenster cheese, tomato, avocado, red onion, crunchy romaine, and spicy homemade black bean spread on grilled garlic roll and had some jicama, carrots, celery, and grape tomatoes to go with it. Divine. I actually dipped into my lorazepam (my emergency anxiety medication) and dozed in the afternoon. I tried to take my mind off of everything by reading. Fought with Trey (bless him, he wouldn’t fight back). And I felt like crap until the reported nap the next day.
I’ve been fairly miserable with moments of determination and elation for I’d say about two months now. But I am obviously getting worse–more sensitive, more depressed, less energy, more isolation, and I really can’t take another moment of the pain. I told the psychiatrist that it seemed to me I’d be having a good day, and then I’d have human contact, and my day would plummet. I was seriously thinking that if I woke up in a good mood, I’d not talk to anyone all day so I could maintain! So I’m trying a new medication. Please goddesses, gods, spirits, universe, Keebler elves–anyone who’s out there to listen–let this new medication help. I need enough pharmacopic help to be able to function. I need an absence of debilitating psychological pain. I’m willing to do all of the other work! But I have to have enough support to be able to do all of the other work. This is not the life I was meant to live. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and include me in your prayers.
Looking back on it, what it actually felt like was I was possessed. I couldn’t and wouldn’t reason. And it lifted no less mysteriously. When I woke up, I was starving. Actually, all of my appetites were inflamed! And they have not yet abated either! It’s a really good thing I don’t use or abuse substances! Wait! I just got done making double fudge raspberry brownies. Does that count as substance abuse? Fuck me if I don’t eat the whole pan! And I haven’t stopped outlandishly texting Trey with lascivious comments or having long conversations about what we can do together, legal or not, when he comes in 10 days time. Seriously, I think we spent four hours on the phone last night and had the most fabulous open and loving conversation. And some pretty spectacular and extended phone sex.
Le fin. I have used every molecule of energy I have. To bed.
1.) My children, my heart is full of love for you.
2.) Trey, for giving me my cat-that-ate-the-canary smile.
3.) Laila, who experiences the world as I do at times, we live in parallel planes and times.
4.) Cell phones and the death of party lines in industrialized nations.
5.) Nudibranches, wild tamarins, grills, selective tsunamis, random bolts of lightening, urban cattle stampedes…or the art of possibility.
My love to you all, and my prayers for your happiness.
“Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.”~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, inpenetrable, irredeemable.” ~ C. S. Lewis
There are four things you cannot recover in life: the stone after it is thrown; the word after it is said; the occasion after it is missed; and time after it is gone.