The fact that I woke up with a stomach ache this morning isn’t deterring me from my blog-writing responsibility. What a trooper! That my stomach ache has progressed to vomiting and fever can not keep me from fulfilling my destiny as a rampant blogger! Yes, I’m delirious!
I’m feeling equal parts guilty and grateful to the blogging community today. Usually when I read the blogs of others, I’m grateful for their ability to make me laugh and their willingness to give of themselves. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was going to set me off. And I did it anyway. I read a pro-Sarah Palin blog-post. I always leave kind and encouraging comments. Not so today. The writer ticked me off right away by saying, “She is going to fight back and fight for what is right…” What is right is a matter of opinion. What is right is arbitrary. And of course the blogger has God on her side. Whose god? Is there one vision of God that is right also? Shit! I have more faith in the Keebler Elves than I do any god! They consistently make damn fine sugary confections! They’re cute and friendly and they aren’t the cause of natural disasters like floods that wipe out all of the non-believers and idolaters! I merely wanted to point out that there was more than one “right.” I wanted her to think. And I was full of self-righteousness, and I offended her. God, I’m sorry, Loopy-Loo! For fuck’s sake, T. (me)! Get a life! It’s not that important that someone admires someone I don’t!
Mostly, bloggers made me laugh today. You don’t know how hard that has been for me of late…laughing, and so I am grateful to my favorite blogger-peeps today. First was whimsydream with her post on “The Goat that Made me Pee in Public.” (http://whimsydream.wordpress.com/2011/01/15/the-goat-that-made-me-pee-in-public/). She made me laugh till I peed in my panties. Just kidding. But I had to borrow some of her more memorable photographs to show to you here. I hope you don’t have bad dreams tonight.
Still on my Palin rant, I checked out Palin’s Breath on Terrace Agenda’s page (http://terraceagenda.com/2011/01/15/creepy-yet-mesmerizing/). More of the stuff that makes for nightmares. Dragojac always makes me smile. I love his targeted and subtle wit. But what made me smile today was the tear-making romanticism he displayed. I still have a sappy smile on my face. Thank you, Jack! Read it and weep!(http://tenerifevirgins.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/five-cool-moments-in-my-life/)
I took some steps the other day to bring complete closure to a previous relationship. Terrence* was someone I was obsessed with for over a year. Someone less worthy of my love, you can not imagine. I am a very giving and positive person in a relationship. At least I try very hard to be. I try to give my partner the benefit of the doubt, trust, love, care, and appreciation. I sometimes fall short. In the past, I always fell way short of the mark. In return for this, Terrence gave me deceit, infidelity, disparagement, humiliation, and whatever other crap you can come up with. Why did I take him back again and again? Because I was “in love.” He could be dreamy at times, but who knows when it was an act to get what he wanted and when it was true feeling? I doubt even he knew.
The steps I took were returning his bicycle and picking up garden tools that he “borrowed” and never bothered to return for months and months. As so often happens these days, my cup boiled over. Terrence has a baby and a baby’s mama. But that didn’t stop him from, after we ended the relationship, coming over to my house for what he probably hoped would be a booty call. That didn’t stop him from calling me on Christmas night and leaving me a message pretending to have broken up with said baby’s mama. The truth about that, I found out later, is that baby’s mama was in jail for a probation violation. She didn’t make her meetings with her probation officer. That didn’t stop him from calling me on New Year’s Eve and leaving me a message that he wanted to bring in the new year with me. Did I take his phone calls? No! Have I gone sniffing at his door? No! Have I worked very hard to compress my feelings for him into a tiny dense block and put them on a shelf and not take them down? Yes! Ever since his huge betrayal last summer, I have avoided his calls, consciously striven to stop believing in the fantasy self that he portrayed and I chose to buy into. But–and this is a big butt–when I called him to arrange to get back the garden tools and make arrangements for his bicycle that had been at my house, on the phone, he acted as though I was trying to make something happen with him. He was acting as if I would make some kind of scene at his apartment if I went to get my tools (baby mama being out of jail now and ensconced in his apartment). That inflamed my indignation and resentment and sense of fair-mindedness! How DARE he even think that I might want anything that he’s got…except my goddamn garden tools! All I wanted were my loppers and nippers and rake and shovels! I burned with indignation for a hot minute! I have my tools back. His bike is gone from my house. Let him sully someone else’s life or clean up his own. I don’t care! Do you get that Terrence? Christ eating popsicles! I don’t even care enough to hope you choke! Grrrrrr!
Oh, that feels oh-so-much better. I’ve been holding that in since it happened a few days back, and I’m wondering what, if anything, I have of value to say today. My blog is for me. My hope is that by expressing myself on my posts, I deal with some of my vexations and issues so that they don’t take over my life. I hope that I heal by chronicling and then deciding what issues need action. My desire is that I set down my hopes and goals and thereby make myself accountable to making them reality. I haven’t been doing much of that of late, but I’ve been on a psychological bender. Not my fault. But my recovery is my responsibility. I guess that I also hold out hope that anyone reading my blog will come away with some nugget of wisdom or inspiration and hope so as to make his or her own life better. Or simply that he or she will feel some little amount of peace or companionship and love. I may be an A+ ranter, but I love stronger.
Speaking of love, Trey* is coming in ten days. Did I mention Trey is coming in ten days? I have an idea about obsession and love and the whole Terrence Affair (which is what my friends call that “relationship”). I tried to articulate it to Trey yesterday on the phone. It seems to me that the difference between love and obsession is that when you’re in love with and obsessed with someone, which is what I felt for Terrence, the obsession comes about because you’re not in an equal relationship. One person is giving and one person is taking–there is no balanced sharing. You may love the person who is not giving as good as he gets, but the relationship is flawed in principle. And so one becomes obsessed in attempting to get what she needs. Throw a whole lotta crap into the mix and some OCD and you come up with a completely fucked-up non-relationship. However, when you have a relationship in which both parties give without measuring what they get back, two people who have a lot of love and respect to give, two people who know how to take care of themselves, know themselves, and know their boundaries, and two people who are committed to a healthy relationship, a whole lot of love can grow. When you give love the encouragement and nourishment it needs, add in a healthy cupful of desire, admiration, and a willingness to be open and vulnerable, love flourishes. To think that I stepped out a disastrous relationship and later, accidentally stepped into something real and beautiful and healthy, that I’ve grown so much because Trey and I have so much to give and share because we are constantly renewing ourselves and working on ourselves, is pretty damned amazing. Trey is coming in ten days. I can’t express how that makes my heart swell. I won’t express and thereby gross anyone out with how excited that makes me. But I’ll tell Trey about it every chance I get.
I am full of love and gratitude, for everyone on the planet. Martin Luther King, Jr. would have been 82 years old this birthday. I am constantly reminded that the hope he expressed, that the dream I share with him and millions of others is alive and no one can take that from us, no one can keep us from making it a reality for the entire world.
I have so much. I have a daughter and a son and a mother and two fathers and brothers and sisters and cousins and friends and dogs and enough kitchen equipment to start a small restaurant and a mermaid bottle opener that rocks. I am blessed with an abundance of love. I have so much love to give, a lot of hard-earned wisdom, a vast store of intelligence, and that makes me very proud. If you are reading this, please feel the love. Spread the love. Be the love.
1.) My daughter is 11 now, and she loves me and I love her. She is strong, brilliant, capable, uniquely funny, analytical, articulate, fragile, fiercely attached, and independent.
2.) My son, 15, is not my carbon copy, but we share a kindred sense of humor and so much more. Smart, emotionally connected, bridge-building, articulate, and fiercely independent. He is loving and kind and compassionate. He loves me and I love him.
3.) Trey, who loves me so much he is coming to me, in 10 days time, for a short, but memorable week. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me feel, he gives me so much of himself…he gives me the Cheshire Cat grin on my face.
4.) My fellow bloggers, because they give of themselves to me through their writing.
5.) My dogs, who give me warmth and love and companionship.
6.) Martin Luther King, Jr., who shared his vision with us, and gave us hope for a more beautiful world, where all men and women can live free of the shackles of hate and bondage and discrimination.