The day before yesterday was totally appalling and offensive. Yesterday was even more repugnant. What would we do without thesauri? Damn, I love them. “Abominable,” “dreadful,” “revolting,” and “execrable.” Let us not leave out the less pungent “objectionable,” “unwelcome,” “disturbing,” and “disagreeable.”
Okay, so it didn’t all suck. But it sucked pretty badly–a resounding defeat by opposing forces. Which is why I’m blogging at four o’clock in the morning instead of sleeping. Let me just get this out of my system, and then we’ll keep it moving. Yesterday I threw a glass at the wall. My therapist says breaking things makes people nervous. The subtext there is, “If you’re going to break things, and I understand that circumstances would lead you to want to break things, for heaven’s sake, don’t tell anyone.” It was marginally satisfying. I believe if I’d thrown a few more, it would have been thoroughly satisfying. The therapeutic benefits, I have to admit, were immeasurable. Had I not thrown and broken the glass, it would have taken a much longer time for me to let go of my anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still furious. But it’s a Zen sort of fury. I can live with it. It won’t eat me alive. Trey* said there has to come a time when I don’t allow my children’s father to rent space in my head. I did reach that place once. To continue, I must think of what to call the bastard. My nickname for him is long, multi-lingual, and unprintable. When being p.c., which I usually am unless I am with those I trust most, I call him, “my children’s father.” A bit long also–I believe making an acronym will suit perfectly–MCF. Okay, back to the subject, I was, for a short period of time, able to tell myself, “What MCF says, does, and thinks is none of my business.” Of course that’s not true. But I told myself that, and it worked. And then things took a nightmarish (Thank you, Roget’s!) turn for the worse, and I lost that Zen-like acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t accepting that the spitefulness was acceptable, I just wasn’t going to allow what MCF did to my upset equanimity anymore. At least not for long. I think I’ve made it back to that place. The more I inhabit it, the better things will be. It’s damn hard, though. Nearly impossible when it comes to my children and the fact that MCF is trying to destroy our relationship. What Trey said made sense to me. Not at the time we spoke, but it does now that I’ve cooled down. He said, “In your mind, you really have to stop givin him so much importance in YOUR life! He knows if he says SOMETHING…..ANYTHING, He’s gonna get a rise outta you! Put him on your ‘Pay you no mind’ list. This is HIS sick pleasure! HE’LL NEVER ADMIT IT!! He probably feels that he’s doing better now without you! So, even though, y’all are not together, this is his way of digging at you, and you feed into it every time! I know you have feelings and emotions, but when you let him get to you, HE WINS!!! It’s okay to love your children, the ones you had with him, IT’S NOT OKAY TO LET HIM HURT YOU BECAUSE OF IT!! PERIOD!!! In the grand scheme of YOUR life, HE’S REALLY NOT THAT IMPORTANT, IS HE?????” Trey quotes the Serenity Prayer to me at these times, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
Enough of the crap. Good things happened too. It snowed yesterday. Even if has all mostly melted, I love waking up to snow on the ground. And it was snowing when I began writing this, tiny white snow flurries racing through the air. My children are healthy. Jan* is over her cold, finally, but she was in an unpleasant mood when I saw her. Che* and I cleared up a difficulty between us. Yesterday I got my Maker’s Mark Christmas/holiday gift in the mail. I am easily entertained, easily amused, and easily pleased sometimes. It’s an ice cube tray that makes “bourbon balls”–large round ice cubes so that your ice doesn’t dilute your Maker’s Mark bourbon. The funny thing is that I don’t drink, or very rarely. I do make Kentucky Bourbon Chocolate Pecan Pie with it. But the bourbon ball? It will be great for Diet Coke. I noticed that people are already selling them on eBay and various other places. Rare, $15.00, $17.50! Wow. What ingrates! I made Frosted Fresh Apple Cookies (http://www.tastebook.com/recipes/626884-Frosted-Fresh-Apple-Cookies) and forgot the baking soda(!) but they still tasted good! I gave some to the mail carrier, a truly nice woman, and I think I made a new friend! I went to an appointment with my therapist, who told me what she wanted for me in the new year was to join some type of group, either a women’s group therapy or a hobby club, because she thought I’d outgrown some of my friends. I have made some new friends. One of them is an author and I have her number. The other, for whom I didn’t get contact information, is a retired teacher, but if I find any Basque activities, I’ll be sure to find him there with his wife. And the third being my postal carrier. So I have to agree with my therapist. And I’m on it.
I didn’t keep to the schedule I’d given myself the day before. Not even a bit. This time of year always has me full of anxiety. There’s the new year, and my OCD, and having unrealistic expectations about what it’s going to be. Then, being unable to meet those expectations, I beat myself up and get depressed. So perhaps I did in a day what I usually do for a few months…had unrealistically high expectations, didn’t meet them, beat myself up, and got depressed. Perhaps now I don’t have to do it for the entire year.
I do have a ritual for New Year’s day. I spend a little time doing all of the things I want to be doing in the first six months of the new year. My therapist asked me what those things are: Talking to/spending time with friends and family; reading something that makes me think; reading something that makes me feel; browsing books at a bookstore; doing something for my children; cooking something exquisite and eating something divine; stretching to maintain range of motion and exercising; walking the dogs; a little cleaning; some work; making progress on some projects; being intimate with my lover; writing in my journal; beautifying my house; beautifying myself; doing something charitable; and being compassionate, forgiving, and loving throughout the day. I have friends who have borrowed my ritual. That pleases me immensely. It must mean I’m doing something right. My therapist said perhaps I can have one day that is perfect and then leave aside the perfection foolishness. She is so wise. I’m truly blessed having those I do have in my life.
I started writing yesterday afternoon, then an incident occurred with MCF that spun me into a tailspin. I set aside writing, exploded, combusted, read a novel, talked with the kids, talked with Trey, and slept for four hours. Four hours is not enough sleep. I am now going to go back to bed.
2.) Diet Coke and my totally cool ice-making Maker’s Mark bourbon ball.
3.) Maker’s Mark for sending me the totally cool ice-making Bourbon Ball.
4.) My children–they are my light when things are dark.
5.) Trey, and his unconditional love and wisdom.
6.) My therapist.
Peace! – T.
“Compassion creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With such an attitude, you can create the possibility of receiving affection or a positive response from someone else. If the other person doesn’t respond to you in a positive way, your own feeling of openness gives you the flexibility and freedom to change your approach as needed and still allows for the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them.” ~ The Dalai Lama