Here I am. Starting on a new path with my old self. It’s exciting, and scary all the same. Because we all have new starts under our belts, don’t we? The ones that we couldn’t quite make because our expectations were too huge and our limitations too great?
I’m at the great age for re-inventing oneself. Forty-eight. I’m in tears. Absolutely terrified. Yet I can’t go back. There’s too much to lose. Too much to gain. And I’m so very alone. I am and I’m not. I am so fortunate in my life to have people who truly love me. Not everyone can say that. I am blessed.
And yet, what I seem to need most is to learn to love myself. To love myself to give myself what I really want. There are so many things I want. So many circumstances. I really don’t know where to begin. Except to tell my story up until this point as honestly as I can. As compassionately as I can. And as lovingly as I can.
I hope this resonates within some of you. I hope that in saving my own life, I help someone of you decide to save your own.
My name is T*, and I have OCD and Compulsive Hoarding Syndrome. I’ve got a little more thrown into the mix. Mental illness. Brings to mind images of slavering asylum inmates dressed in white garb shuffling along aimlessly. I’ve never been confined in a hospital because of my mental illness. Or perhaps even Tom Wait’s rendition of R. M. Renfield in the 1992 version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, crazy as a bedbug, looking for small creatures to consume. Let’s get that stigma out of the way first of all. Not everyone who has a mental illness is non-functional. I have been non-functional, but I’m not now and I intend never to be again.
I don’t know where it started. I do know that when I was a child, you probably could have drawn a line down the middle of the room where my sister’s orderliness ended and my messiness began. Fortunately for her, we moved when I was nine and she was 12, and she never had to share a room with me again.
That’s a big enough start for today.
What I want to from today (I may do more, but I may not do less): 1.) take tylenol for this headache that’s beginning and 2.) Ha! I really don’t know what I want from today.
It’s the one thing I try to do each day, is to decide what it is I want. What my heart of heart wants. And there is so much, it’s overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. I can’t go there right now. But I hope that I can get back on track later on.